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Ponder Point - The Cost of Being too Nice

September 26, 2019
The Cost of Being too Nice




Difficulties of Being Too Nice

Photo by Daria Shevtsova from Pexels

I was just speaking to a Customer Service Executive the other day, the person was hardly audible.

I assume he was just shy or maybe not trying to shout on the microphone. But I wasn't able to hear him, He wasn't audible. I didn't want to shout him down and kill his confidence.

 I pursued the conversation. I was terminating their service and they wanted references. Now imagine, doing a referral call and not firmly asking the customer for referrals. It's a pretty awkward situation, I was able to empathize with him.

 A lot of time it is wrong ideas and our perception that hold us back from self-actualization.

So I decided to help him out. I got my headset plugged it into my mobile phone and spoke to him.

I encouraged him to get close to the microphone on his headset and request clearly. I didn't end up giving him referrals, but I helped him speak clearly. I spared myself the guilt of not helping a learner.

The 24/7 Educator

Teaching, Mentoring & Building People


As an Educator, We have to push ourselves to go beyond being nice and try exploring avenues to guide people. For me, everybody is in sales, and philosophy and in business. 

Not being nice, doesn't mean being ruthless. So when you philosophise it's okay to not be nice and share the truth of your message. But being ruthless is not the other option. 

We can learn to use our words and gestures carefully, we can choose to build people.

It's a different matter if you find people unworthy and ungrateful. 

Practice Gratefulness whenever necessary and without expectations.

In Short, Be Nice.

So let us look at some of the Negatives of being too Nice 

Check out this article on

How to write a Gratitude Journal?


Negatives of being too Nice 

Negatives of Being Too Nice: Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay 

1. Less Valued:

It's right to be Nice and a lot of us have been brought up to be kind and thoughtful of others. But we have also been taught to speak our minds and stand for what is right. 

Conveniently ignoring the latter and only pursuing the former selectively is hypocritical. 

That's a problem, In the pursuit of Pleasing others we forget some of our values. 

Quite interesting, How we can be selective in being nice. We mostly overlook this aspect.

2. People won't be there for you:

Situational Outcast

Expecting everyone to be like you and share the same values is perceiving the world incorrectly. 

Of course, As humans, we do share a lot in common.

People have different values, worldviews, and ethical systems. Just being agreeable and too nice is overlooking a lot. It's okay to disagree and if people don't share your values, it's fine. 

Some people may not reciprocate the same goodness and this is where being very nice gets you into a lot of trouble. 

We start expecting others to be the same, and they may not think it important to help you (when you need them). 

So it is important to have relationships but they should be ones where we allow mutual benefit and self-growth to thrive. 

We should avoid toxic relationships, where we are just sponged on and taken advantage of.

3. Impossibility of pleasing everybody

Let's imagine the idea of pleasing everybody, It's so daunting. 

My Goodness think about it, you have to please everybody you know and imagine what a waste of time. (You would be surprised, just how many take you for granted or don't even acknowledge the goodness)

An additional negative aspect of this is that we don't leave open the opportunity for people to move ahead. 

It obligates them (Some may perceive) because we have more chips of goodness over them.

4. Lack of Assertiveness & its ill effects

A very important thing to realize is that maybe we are not that assertive. 

So it can be a great opportunity to realize that and practice assertiveness. We can also start building healthy friendships.

5. Wrong Perception of the World

Lastly, I believe it stems from a wrong perception of things especially the world around us. 

As we have seen, earlier people have different values and agenda, being nice to everybody may not be the best strategy. So we need something better and healthier. 

So the next question that comes to our minds is 'What to do next?'

But before we go ahead on being Truly nice. Let us consider some disadvantages, quickly.

Some Disadvantages of Being Too Nice

Disadvantages of Being Nice: Peggy und Marco Lachmann-Anke from Pixabay

1. Losing Social Capital

It's less beneficial as the individual does not take healthy advantage of his / her efforts of caring for others. Thus reducing his social capital.

2. Losing the Benefits of Being Assertive

Being Assertive has its benefits, For example, We have the benefit of refusing choices that we don't want to pursue. This helps in increasing our confidence and also indirectly building our public image.

3. Lowering your Personal Brand Value

People tend to perceive us badly, Personal Branding like branding is all about perception. Being overly Nice rather than genuine and assertive can hamper one's reputation and thus lower one's Brand Value.

4. Lacking the ability to provide genuine help

Lastly, It prevents healthy and genuine help. Thus making helping others only becomes a matter of gaining brownie points.

Let's See how to stop being Nice and Be Genuine

Being Genuine: Image by Caique Silva Fotografo from Pixabay 

Understanding your identity

Identity plays a key role in how we view ourselves and understand others. We need to look at ourselves and understand that the external me is not the person inside. 

We need to see and understand who we are and what we are doing. We need to understand our values and know ourselves better. 

This will give us a better ground to build self-confidence and take steps boldly, Confident in ourselves and our values.

Building your EQ

It is a very good thing that modern education in schools makes an effort to build a person's emotional life. 

We must not fool ourselves into thinking that it is only our knowledge or expertise that makes us who we are. I believe it is much more than that. 

We are much more than who we think we are. Our emotions and emotional life matter, so do that of the people around us.

But just pandering to people and trying to please everybody is tragic, strategically and personally. It completely lacks wisdom.

Cultivating Healthy Friendships

Healthy & Positive Friendships

In this day of Social Media, we think a longer friend list matters. I must tell it is far from being true. I am not saying don't connect with old acquaintances and good old friends.

 But I think it is wise to invest in a healthy support system of a limited number of friends and extended family members.

I believe rather than pleasing everybody, It is okay to piss some people off.

Joy of Assertiveness

I came across this idea of being assertive during my Graduate day. A friend of mine had shared with me a book on Assertiveness. Ever since then, I have been practicing it. It is very magical. 

As an Educator, It would be rather difficult to please than everybody (all the time). Imagine the joy of setting rules that can create a learning environment and a rapt audience in your classroom ( It's simply priceless). 

As an Educator, it is essential to set certain rules or a framework for discipline. Assertiveness helps in building a culture of learning in the classroom. It is also very effective in personal life too. 

Does it irritate some people,? You bet it does. But as I said it earlier, it joyfully fine. :)

Purpose of True Niceness

The purpose of being Truly Nice is to be genuine and build yourself while helping others. This I think is the basic purpose of being Genuinely nice.

Concluding Thoughts

As an Educator and a student of Self Growth, I believe it is wise to be genuine and assertive. It pays to invest in friends and family that understand and value you. Seeking popularity to replace genuine relationships can often be an empty pursuit.

Wish you Happy Learning and meet you in the next Blog Post. Ciao!

Further Reading

Personal Identity: A Quiz with an informative article on Personal Identity

Importance of Daily Efforts: A Quote on the importance of Daily Steps

What is Emotional Intelligence?



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3 ways to Start your dream project and Achieve it. This 1 Superb Mantra.

August 29, 2019
Starting out and Achieving our goals always start with the First Step

Achieving goals by this one great step

So Let me ask you this question, What is the best way to start any project?...


I believe it's by just doing this one thing. This one thing keeps a lot of people back. It is taking the first step, So what keeps us from doing this. It could be this fantasizing of perfection and perfect situations that could be the culprit. 


Way No.1: 90% Planning and the Rest is execution


via GIPHY          Are you over planning?

It said that a lot of people have really great ideas and plans, but lack of action is what stops them from moving ahead. It's not still the end of the year, so there is always a chance for a new beginning. We must use this as an opportunity to start on our plans. As an IT student, I had learned that success to most projects is 90% planning and the rest is execution. But many of us are just stuck in the first phase and seldom thinking of moving to the next.

(Read here, how I started out blogging, Click Here) Blogging was something that I always wanted to do and now doing it is, of course, a learning experience and a journey by itself. I think more than writing skills, it is being vulnerable that can stop us. A small step to open ourselves to others can take us a long way.


Way No.2: Failing is okay


 A Poem on Failing

What is keeping us back? I am sure there are many good reasons. But I think one of them could be the fear of failing and looking bad. Failing is okay, but not trying to work on your goals can be a source of major regret. I once heard this from a motivational speaker and this idea really caught my imagination. He said that imagine you are on your death bed and you start thinking of all the things you could have done to achieve those goals and dreams. 

Imagine all the possibilities of how things could have been. Imagine all those possibilities haunting you and crying to you for concretizing or work on them. Now think that you are going to die with all these regrets someday. (Chriseducator.com)


Is it all worth it or is it worth it to work on those goals or dreams you aspire. I think one must sit down and think about it.


Way no.3: Determined Action


via GIPHY             Take action

So is it any kind of action that helps us be effective and achieve our goals, of course, No! It's determined action. It's something that is needed, something you are passionate about, Something you would spend your life or day doing it. Something that grips you.

So, Don't let your dreams, just be another dream. Make it something that changes your life and the life of others. 


Powerful Quote from Tony Robbins

I would like to leave you with this quote from Tony Robbins. He is a great motivational speaker and he has changed many peoples lives. This is what he has to say about being successful.


Tony Robbins: Take Action


Concluding thoughts:


First steps are difficult and so is the beginning of any new project. But with proper planning and deliberation, we can find our way ahead. Our focus should be on excellence and not just perfection. A right attitude can be a real game-changer.

I think this mantra sums it all up for us.


"Audacious Goals + Massive ( Determined ) Action"

So I wish you a great day filled with Action and a lot of acting on your goals. It's the only way to achieve your goals. "Starting out and taking action".

Ciao!

Further Reading:

The Overthinker’s Guide for Taking Action: A Complete Guide
https://startupbros.com/overthinkers-guide-taking-action-complete-guide/

How to Take Action: 12 Habits that Turn Dreams into Reality
https://www.positivityblog.com/how-to-take-action/

Why Is It Important To Take Action?
https://www.seeken.org/important-take-action/


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If you believe you can't, you can't...

August 21, 2019

Learn how to be Deliberate: Christonanda Style


Being Deliberate can be like walking on a tight robe. It can feel so intimidating and discouraging. We get cold feet and just gone a loop thinking about possibilities. How do we overcome this predicament?


"My Mantra is Fuck it and Fake it."

I felt the same way a lot of time, Be it sharing my feelings with the opposite sex or receiving an award for the best teacher of the year. It just very scares for most of us. 

My Mantra is Fuck it and Fake it.

So start by telling yourself Fuck It. What it means is telling yourself that you will face the consequences. You consider the pros and cons and then move ahead. Moving ahead would mean taking action. It will mean giving it your best. Remember there are consequences to all of this. Don't think there are no repercussions.


Now Step 2, Fake it, This is how you can approach this situation. Calm down, Sit in a chair and just calm your mind, your body and your entire being. Find yourself an affirmation that can motivate you or else some gibberish would also do. When you feel anxious repeat your affirmation. Now calm down again. So are faking it now.


" Find yourself an affirmation that can motivate you "


Benefits of faking it:
  • You learn your shortcomings
  • You get feedback to improve
  • You could actually deal with issue productively.

It all sounds simple, as always believe in yourself and God. Everything will possible to those who try.


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3 Powerful ways to help you Create your daily miracles: Life's simplest things

August 20, 2019
Simple things in Life and the miracles they bring


 Being Pensive


When I get pensive and thinking about the good and bad times it's the simplest things that amaze me. Let me share, for example watching our children grow so fast and see them share their views on things can be so insightful. Life moves ahead so fast.


via GIPHY        Being Pensive: Mellow Moments

Today, I shall try to include share some ideas on Life's simplest things. How to cherish small things and how to create your small miracles of Happiness? But before I start speaking about it, Here is my favorite quote on the simple things in life. I believe it captures the beauty of simple living.

It is the simplest things in life that hold the most wonder; the color of the sea, the sand between your toes, the laughter of a child.- Goldie Hawn

Searching for the Extraordinary

I think sometimes we think doing extraordinary things can make us happy. Now I see the great wonder in simple things. All this started with the idea of choosing to be happy. When we are at our lowest we only recollect the negative and we get into a pithy party. But just shifting your attention to simple things can bring so much joy. I believe when we choose to be happy, we try to seek joy. Focusing on simple things can be a source of great joy. It's like God's hidden miracles that bring us back to our childlike wonder. It makes us smile or cry (whatever).


I once missed drowning while on a vacation. Post that experience, I realized the beauty in just being safe. The joy to interact with people and dream about possibilities. Being dead in that pool would take a lot of things away. So let's consider some ideas that can move us in that direction, towards more simple living.

3 Points can be quite an enabler to simple living:

  • Being Intentional: Intentional would mean being deliberate. So can one spend a day intentionally, Start by planning your day. Have a script for your whole day. Keep a planner or a set of tasks to plan your day. I use Google Keep or Tasks for this. It's a really great tool. Start rethinking the effectiveness of your attitudes and workstyles. Take time to pause and reflect on what tasks have you completed during the day. Reflect on how your actions have helped you grow physically, spiritually and financially. Have you been effective to your immediate friend circle or community? These could be some questions to help you focus your actions and tasks.

Reflect on how your actions have helped you grow physically, spiritually and financially. 

  • Start with Average and move ahead with excellence: Focus and perspective can really shape a lot of projects, sometimes our drive towards achieving perfection and perfect situations can cripple us. They can take away our control. To change that, Start with average, meaning average results. If you have not been able to change that habit or go on that diet 100%, no problem. Just start out and constantly improve your rate of success. Do not give up on your goals and yourself. This can be a great way to move towards achieving our goals. 

Do not give up on your goals and yourself. 

  • Learn to use the Pause button: Responding and not reacting can be useful, a great way to start being responsive could be to learn to take time to stop and think. Just using the pause button can help us rethink our approaches and attitude to difficult situations or even to learn new ideas and rejuvenate ourselves. It can be used to create those small moments to generate great ideas or even just to relax.

Responding and not reacting can be useful

Now there is another way to enjoy life's small miracles. It could be by being grateful.

Here is my list of things I am grateful for:

10 Things I grateful for ( Increase list to 10 things )

What's your Gratefulness list?

Here are some of them:
  1. Having the choice to be happy
  2. Ability to learn from difficulties
  3. The joy of having a naughty baby girl
  4. Friends and Friendships (that I cherish)
  5. Parents
  6. God
  7. Taking short vacations
  8. Shopping
  9. Ability to help someone
  10. Having a wonderful life partner

How to list simple things that touch your heart?

Now that was my list, What is your list? I have some articles on Gratitude, Check it Here. I have also written about how to create gratitude journals. I believe this is a really powerful habit as it forces us to focus and teaches us to appreciate life's simplest things.

Focusing on the simple things and uncovering its hidden joys can be a real transformative experience. I would like to share this video that shares the joy of simple living.

Interesting Video:

Here is a video that helps us understand the beauty of simple things in our life. Alain de Botton explains really well, why the simple and normal pleasures are beautiful and important.


 So let's create those small miracles and enjoy the life we have.

Concluding Thoughts

It can be so empowering to have the ability to create happiness and enjoy the wonders of the life we have been gifted. Sometimes life situations can be challenging but by hard work and using our tact and intentional living we can improve our lives and our experiences.

Please do comment, share and give your valuable feedback. Thank you. Ciao!

Further Reading

Friends and Friendship

Understanding the 'Why' behind Gratefulness
Five Easy Ways To Facilitate Gratitude Journal Styles

Ponder Points - Being Prepared

August 09, 2019
Being Prepared

Opportunities & Difficulties

Being an Entrepreneur and working for self can be such a blessing. But Let me tell you, It has its own difficulties. Life is always filled with possibilities ( Check this article I wrote on Choices), like Napolean Hill would say that it is our lack of self-confidence that holds us back, but I would say that it is also not being prepared.

So how does one be prepared, I would say self preparedness starts with a healthy self-evaluation.


Finding your Strengths

One of the basic things that we learn in Management is a SWOT analysis. It is a topic taught under the subject of Strategic Management ( Quite an interesting topic). So basically, starts out with understanding their Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities, and Threats. This is quite a good starting point, Understanding yourself or your organization. 

Spiritual Masters had their own version of it, but this happened for spiritual growth. They would evaluate their entire day and pray for people. The same can be applied practiced to take a personal inventory of our days. Ultimately, Time is one of the greatest assets.

So then what next, 


How to decide your Mission? The Guy Kawasaki Way

Set a mission and how Guy Kawasaki would do it. Set a mantra

This is more effective. Mantras kind of summarises all that you want to do and achieve. It can be very effective as it would constantly remind us of our purpose. So we are prepared and a plan B.

Check this Youtube video, He shares with startups on the importance of having a mantra.





This idea can also be used for our personal growth too.


What can be a Plan B? For an Entrepreneur, it can be another income source or leveraging a network. A Plan B can be also pursued as a hobby, It does not need to occupy all your time. 

It can be some that you love doing and are passionate about. And yes it should pay you something. Being resourceful and taking small steps can be really helpful.


Deliberately Being Prepared in 3 Simple Steps

So let us summarise some ideas on Being Prepared

  1. Understand yourself
  2. Have a Mantra
  3. What's your Plan B

Here is an interesting quote on Preparedness:


Power Quote by Louis Pasteur

Some Recommended Books: Books to keep you Prepared

Learn to make your own plan B, It's a wonderful book I would recommend to start a part-time gig or even a full-time career, it's The $100 Startup: Fire Your Boss, Do What You Love and Work Better To Live More by Chris Guillebeau and Think and Grow Rich by Napolean Hill. These books can really help you start, build and pursue your goals.

These links are Amazon Affiliate links, please do check the disclosure page.

So Be Prepared and Have a wonderful day! Please do Comment, Like and Share.

Further Readings:

Conduct a Personal SWOT Analysis to Improve Your Career
https://www.businessnewsdaily.com/5543-personal-swot-analysis.html

How to Be Prepared for Anything
https://zenhabits.net/survival-kit/

On Being Prepared
https://www.matthewedgar.net/on-being-prepared/


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Is Positive thinking always helpful? 5 Pitfalls you never knew to having a positive attitude

July 17, 2019
5 Pitfalls of positive thinking
What are the limitations of Positive thinking? Learn the Pros and Cons


Just be a bit more positive and things will change for you. You will achieve the stars and the moon in the sky. That's what it can be made to be by some people. Well, for some it is a better approach to approaching issues. I am talking about Positivity and Positive thinking. But one thing I learned from years of studying and learning, a lot of ideas have its limitations. In this article, I shall be exploring these negatives of Positivity,i.e. Positive Thinking. One of the best books I was asked to read was The Power of Positive Thinking by Norman Vincent Peale. (I think for a lot of us thinking negative was like normal.) I must confess it has helped me. I was recommended by a friend's mother. The book has a lot of good ideas on how to be more positive.

But here are some ideas I believe could be limitations to Positive thinking.

List of Negatives of Positive Thinking

Ignoring the obvious

I think positive thinking can be really good, it is solution-oriented. It believes in seeing opportunities where others tend to see lack or no options. But there are limitations, one must not supplant rational thinking for make-belief (it mostly doesn't help) and can be harmful to oneself and others. So putting on a critical hat on should help us be more realistic and show us the inherent risk. I know it exposes us to a kind of uncertainty and ambiguity, but that thread of uncertainty called risk is present in any decision we make. So if positive thinking sees the cup half full, it won't magically produce the other half.

Ignoring risk can be quite risky most of the times. Calculated risks can prevent unwanted situations. I would recommend a great book to help you think clearly by Rolf Dobelli. The book is called The Art of Thinking Clearly by Rolf Dobelli. This book introduces powerful concepts in a beautiful manner. Very Interesting and helpful book. So, Clear thinking and being open to ideas must accompany positivity.

Magical Thinking

Positive thinking should not be used as some kind of force or energy. It would be wrong to think that just being positive can change the course of things. I don't think most proponents claim that positive thinking changes reality. So pretending it attracts things etc., that it would be inherently wrong, at least a practical and rational level.

Our thinking must be tempered with either evidence or experience, If not both. Please check this article on Psychology today that explores Magical Thinking in more depth, click here. Magical thinking can push towards bad choices and couple with Positive thinking, it could result in self-deception.

Self Deception

Self-deception is another negative of being overly positive. Rather than a negative its mostly stretching positive thinking beyond the purpose, it was intended for. Positive thinking has really helped me and benefitted me a lot, So using it for the right purpose is very important.

Self-deception may be beneficial, but there are surely disadvantages. That is important to be aware of, it could result in ignoring important issues and can also result in self-harm ( in case there are any health issues involved). So care and temperance are vitally important. For more reading on this topic do check this book on deception for an in-depth view, Vital Lies, Simple Truths: The Psychology of Self-Deception by Daniel Goleman. For more reading, check this article on Self Deception.

A wrong view of Reality

I think the most important thing is not having the right evaluation of reality. Some episodes in our lives can be really difficult and coping may be important. But it is important to live up to the right view of things. (that's my personal take...I know it can be painful) Critical thinking can really help.

Check this tutorial on critical thinking by Tutorialspoint, click here. Here is the wiki on Critical thinking, click here. I believe that a lack of critical thinking can create a lot of problems and thinking errors. I am not saying that all of us should go and become philosophers, but just learning a bit more can be interesting and fun. 

Some side effects you must consider...

Bad Thinking Habits:

It's my personal opinion that bad habit leads to bad consequences. Right thinking is an essential component of better living. So also over positivity, It should be tempered with critical thinking and some amount of realistic thinking too. All this is quite a mental exercise, but that's a good way to a better life.

Pointers to help on Practice Effective positivity:

Some quick pointers to Practice Effective positivity. Firstly eliminate magical thinking and false expectations. Secondly, understand that thinking is a choice and you are in control of your thoughts. It would be wrong to just be lead. Lastly, Be positive but do not mistake it for a silver bullet.

Conclusion

Positive thinking is a great approach to enhancing ourselves and our lives. Like many good ideas, it can be misused and should not be. Healthy rationalism and critical thinking can help us make better decisions.

I hope you liked this article. Please comment and share it, thank you.

Further Reading:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/creativity-and-personal-mastery/201004/why-positive-thinking-is-bad-you

https://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/blogs/O-zone/the-negatives-of-positive-thinking/

https://greatist.com/happiness/positive-thinking-negative-benefits

https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/positive-thinking/art-20043950

https://greatist.com/happiness/positive-thinking-negative-benefits

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Friends and Friendship

July 15, 2019



Friends are like companions that journey with you till they reach their destinations. It would be unimaginable to live without them. I used to have little to few friends, A lot of great books and ideas helped me along the way.

Developing yourself is a life long process and I think friendships can really play a key role in it. The positive side of social networking is the power to connect quite easily, of course, there are many articles on the side effects of it. But we must not forget the benefits too.

It's great having friends.

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